The 2019 Archives
Just look at all of the great stuff that I wrote in 2019
(or move on to the gems from 2018)
Why automatic transmission is better...
Have you ever tried to text and drive with a stick-shift? I can only get so many degrees of steering wheel rotation with my knee, and it still takes both hands to text. This makes me more likely to drop the phone when I have to shift, meaning that now instead of at least having peripheral vision my whole head disappears below dash level whilst I’m fishing for my iPhone to tell someone I’m running late because there was an accident on the freeway. THAT’s why automatic transmissions are better.
Two more good ones...
Donald, his wife and daughter are on Air Force One and Trump says, “I am going to throw this $100 bill out the window and make someone on the ground very happy.”
His wife says, “Why don’t you throw out 2 $50’s and make two people happy?”
His daughter joins in and says, “Daddy, why don’t you throw out 5 $20’s and make five people happy!”
The pilot then leans back and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out and make millions happy?”
***
Two elderly women die and go to heaven. St. Peter says to them,”Ladies, I checked the files and you have led an exemplary life and to as a small token of our appreciation, we are going to give you back the body you had at 18 and let you go back to earth and have sex with one person of your choice!”
The first woman says, “Well, I always did like that Brad Pitt fellow” and whoof, she’s gone in a puff of smoke.
The other woman says “Donald Trump.”
St. Peter looks quizzical and asks, “Who is Donald Trump?”
The woman says, “I don’t know either, but everyone I’ve ever met says ‘fuck Donald Trump!”