The 2019 Archives
Just look at all of the great stuff that I wrote in 2019
(or move on to the gems from 2018)
The Best Grammar Lesson You'll Ever Read.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a "bar."
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar and smells the coffee on the wall.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar to enjoy a bit of drinking.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Dear Donald,
Sometimes you have to admit it's time to retire.
LOST: My favourite comb
Boy, things have really changed since he was four-years-old.
Why automatic transmission is better...
Have you ever tried to text and drive with a stick-shift? I can only get so many degrees of steering wheel rotation with my knee, and it still takes both hands to text. This makes me more likely to drop the phone when I have to shift, meaning that now instead of at least having peripheral vision my whole head disappears below dash level whilst I’m fishing for my iPhone to tell someone I’m running late because there was an accident on the freeway. THAT’s why automatic transmissions are better.
Two more good ones...
Donald, his wife and daughter are on Air Force One and Trump says, “I am going to throw this $100 bill out the window and make someone on the ground very happy.”
His wife says, “Why don’t you throw out 2 $50’s and make two people happy?”
His daughter joins in and says, “Daddy, why don’t you throw out 5 $20’s and make five people happy!”
The pilot then leans back and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out and make millions happy?”
***
Two elderly women die and go to heaven. St. Peter says to them,”Ladies, I checked the files and you have led an exemplary life and to as a small token of our appreciation, we are going to give you back the body you had at 18 and let you go back to earth and have sex with one person of your choice!”
The first woman says, “Well, I always did like that Brad Pitt fellow” and whoof, she’s gone in a puff of smoke.
The other woman says “Donald Trump.”
St. Peter looks quizzical and asks, “Who is Donald Trump?”
The woman says, “I don’t know either, but everyone I’ve ever met says ‘fuck Donald Trump!”