Motorcycle near miss...

...yet again!

Stephan Hoppe catching some shut eye on his bike.

The other day, I'm heading out to meet a friend at a restaurant for lunch. I decided to take the bike. It was really hot outside so I ignored one of the cardinal rules of motorcycling, which is to dress properly, and instead I just wore my t-shirt and shorts. No gloves. I did feel more exposed than normal but what the hell, it was a short ride.

So I am tooling southbound on Armour Road. It's a 50/kmh road and I'm doing 60. There are no cars in front of me but there are a couple behind me. As I approach Rogers Street coming up on my right, there is an old fart at a stop sign, waiting to make a left in front of me. Of course he doesn't see me, and of course he pulls right out in front of me facing the other frigging way looking for cars. And I don't know why, but even though I saw it all unfolding in front of me, I was actually surprised once again because I can hardly believe how fucking stupid people are! I slam on my brakes, trying to keep from fishtailing, completely forgetting about downshifting, forgetting to honk, about the cars behind me, forgetting everything. I'm just saying "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" over and over, not even saying it loudly as I try to keep the bike under control and all the time acutely aware of how I'm dressed realizing that even if I'm not really moving I will be seriously hurt if I fall off the bike for any reason.

So eventually, the piece of shit decides to actually turn his head to see where his car is pointed and lo and behold! There I am! So he stops. But he's in front of me now, in the middle of the road. I'm already stopped and trying to stuff my heart back down my throat into my chest cavity. You know what he does next? He shrugs! Sort of like: "Hey, these things happen!" I'm so shaken and stunned, I just put the bike into gear and move around the front of his car and continue to the restaurant.

A few minutes later, I'm at the restaurant and I'm shaking pretty badly. NOW, I am ready to beating the living crap out of the jerk, but of course he is probably miles away by now not seeing another motorcyclist. I strike up a conversation with some guy in the parking lot. We commiserate and share a couple of horror stories because hey, this is not a unique situation here. In this old-folk town (Podunk, Ontario) stuff like this happens DAILY, it seems.

And here we are now a couple of weeks later and as I recall the moment, I'm getting shaken all over again. It's getting so that I can no longer ride, because lately as I ride along, I can no longer relax enough to enjoy the ride, and every single car I see now represents a potential collision. I don't know what to do anymore, short of being a loud and reckless jerk when on the bike, because that's what it takes it seems to get car drivers' attentions. I swear to god, one day I am going to rob a BANK, and then jump on my motorcycle and get away at the most leisurely pace, because I know I will be completely invisible to everybody!

I've given this problem some thought and as I see it I have to do something - I have two choices:

1. Sell the bike.
2. Try to stay on the highways, and get one of those things that make the headlights flicker on the motorcycle. They're very eye-catching.

I'll think I'll try choice #2 before I go for choice #1.

My Bike Ride to Omemee

A Nice Surprise

The other day started out as a beautiful summer morning with just the right amount of sun and heat, so for the second time I decided to check out the TransCanada Trail and do the 25km leisure bike ride to Omemee from my home in Peterborough. Last year, I tried the TransCanada Trail for the first time to cycle to Keene, ON; I ended up losing the trail and becoming totally lost on some pretty hilly and potholed country roads.. I also busted my bike when my saddlebags got sucked into the rear wheel, and I ended up limping into Keene to call my wife to pick me up and bring me back home. On the way home, I consulted the map again - it was then I learned that I was travelling along a proposed trail, not an actual one. Stupid proposals.

This time, the ride to Omemee was a much different experience! I still broke my bike (what's up with that?!) but at least the trail was there. One thing I noticed only after riding for a while was that the trail was very level. So sometimes I would be riding along in this deep V-cut with the landscape rising up sharply on either side of me, and shortly after I'd be riding high on a massive earth berm looking out over the landscape. I guess that this is because the TransCanada Trail is largely made up of decommissioned rail lines, and trains can't climb hills. I gotta say it was way nicer than if I would have had to ride the highway to Omemee because it's pretty hilly country around here...

And the views were just incredible. I mean, I like a nice vista no more than the next guy but several times during this ride, I just had to stop and admire. Everything was so pretty. No doubt the quiet and the remoteness and the perfect weather also helped.

Omemee Bike Trip Slideshow

So at roughly the half-way mark, I came upon this railway trestle bridge. It was right around here. And by far, this bridge had the best view of the entire ride. It felt like the drop off on either side went on forever and I must say my stomach lurched a little as I rode across. I did not spend a whole lot of time in the middle of the bridge - just because the height made me queasy.

The total ride was only around 25km. At around kilometre 16, the cassette on my rear wheel broke, but the bike still worked somewhat and I didn't feel like getting my hands all dirty, so I limped into town at around 10 clicks per hour hour with my bike sounding like a bag of wrenches banging together. And like last year's ride to Keene, I called Patti for a pickup and we went out to lunch together.

Even with the breakdown, the ride to Omemee took far less than two hours. I can safely say it was over way before I was ready for it to be. The bike's all repaired now thanks to the Peterborough Community Bike Shop and I can't wait to get out there and do it again!

You are making my mouth water.

Yo makin' mah math wawtah...

Blech.

I may NOT be on Wipeout now

Stupid Canadian diversity...

Well, according to the Wipeout Facebook page, over 44,619 applications were received which just blows my mind because I'm sure applying for Wipeout is almost as scary as actually doing Wipeout. The release form you have to sign is just unreal. That's a lot of people to compete against for only a very finite number of spots. Still I was sure at the time of my application, that I would get on the show, here's why:

• Sure, there were 44,619 applications, but only about 5,000 with accompanying YouTube videos.
• You can't have a show depicting only fit, 20-something males. You also need fit 40-something males.
• Several of my responses to the application questions were hilarious and witty.
• I have a valid passport (Nigerian) and I do not have a criminal record (in Canada)

You'd think I would have received a call back within minutes of applying. BUT I DID NOT. Yet others near me HAVE gotten their callbacks. Because of this, I've given the whole thing some thought and I think I know now why I haven't received my call yet:

• After I clicked "submit application" nothing happened. It made me wonder if my app was even received by the system.
• Because of some absurdly Canadian desire for game show diversity, I sense that the producers of Wipeout Canada feel that their contestant pool must have an East Indian from Brampton, an Asian from Vancouver, and a hip, pierced, lesbian from T.O. - preferably black, etc. etc. etc. In this regard I am at a disadvantage because as you know (because I am always bragging about it) I am only 1/264 black and not at all lesbian - yet.

I am totally WILLING to become black and lesbian in order to get on Wipeout Canada...but I will never become Dutch because as I am (also) always saying: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

I'm going to be on Wipeout!

I just want to get my hands on those big balls.

Patti, Nik, Ellie, and I have been fans of Wipeout since the beginning, so when we saw the call recently to apply to be a contestant on Wipeout Canada, I knew I had to at least try to get on. So I have formally applied. I am pretty STOKED about it. I really HOPE I get accepted. And I KNOW I am going to hurt myself. A guy as klutzy as me is definitely going to get hurt. For instance, I will probably hit my head on some low hanging object if my everyday life is anything to go by. I'm just counting on the fact that nobody has ever been killed on Wipeout have they? You should see the disclaimer they make you sign. I will not hold Wipeout liable for "limb loss or maiming" What the what is that?!

Having never been on a TV show before, I thought the show would be shot in Toronto - they would build a Wipeout Canada set. But it seems the show (the whole season probably) will be filmed in Argentina in October. This is actually pretty smart because they can shoot Wipeout UK in September, Wipeout Australia in May...it must cost much less to simply fly the contestants out rather than each country having to build their own Wipeout set complete with Big Balls. So of course one of the conditions is that you have a valid passport. You must be crazy and have a valid passport.

Applying for Wipeout Canada is a pretty involved process. A long questionnaire, a head shot, a body shot, and they strongly recommend that you supply them with a video. I was really stuck as to what form my audition video should take, and it never occurred to me to search for Wipeout Canada Audition Video on YouTube which actually turned out to be pretty smart because I think my audition video turned out pretty good relative to the others - even if it is really long. At more than 8 minutes, it's the longest of all the Wipeout Canada audition videos. It's hard to tell though if it showcases me properly - I'm worried they are going to call and say: "You know, we're not really interested in having you on the show, but would your little girl be available?

Please click on my video many times in order to get the page views up!

Some of the applications questions and my answers:

Have you ever won any academic prizes or scholarships? If so, what?
No, though I did apply, I has never won any of "them thar" akademic skolarships.

Have you ever had your IQ tested to join an organization like Mensa? If so, what did you get?
I vaguely recall applying for Mensa several years ago. I got a 3.

Have you ever entered a beauty contest? If so, how did you do?
No, but I am sure I would have done extremely well. It would not have been fair to the other contestants.

What would your friends say are your best qualities?
Oh, you know. Too nice, too funny. I always pick up the cheque at the bar. Excellent wing-man - that type of thing.

How would you use your Wipeout Canada winnings?
Probably build my own Big Balls in my backyard. Or give it all to charity. Or build a Big Balls for charity.

What would your Wipeout Canada nickname be?
Max Power, MLC, Big Mclargehuge

What would your Wipeout Canada 'shout out' be when you start the course?
Get off my lawn!
Freeeeedddoooooom!
This is Sparta!
meep!
#@!$%

What qualities will the winner of Wipeout Canada possess?
He'll be roughly 6'4" tall, brown hair, blue eyes, devilishly handsome, beautiful wife, awesome kids.