The 2020 Archives
Just look at all of the great stuff that I wrote in 2020
(or move onto the literary gold from 2021 or the gems from 2019)
I think I have finally overdosed on laissez faire.
I used to do this thing on occasion where I would buy a pack of smokes late at night, have one or two and then walk around and find a SDF (homeless person) to give the rest of the pack to. It was win-win. I didn't bring the smokes home and I would make someone's night with a little gift. So some time ago, I was doing this late-night-smokes thing and I spotted this girl - young, not ugly, but plainly dirty and not in a good way, sitting in this little dark alcove near the train station. I offered her the pack but she was confused about why someone would give her a full pack of cigarettes and more than a little wary about it. It turned out she didn't smoke. That was rare to the point that I had never encountered a homeless person before who wouldn't take a cigarette. Squatting there, I told her to "hold that thought" and went around the corner to find some more typical homeless to give the smokes to. I did and and then I came back to her and took a seat beside her.
We worked out that she was in fact German, she was 25, and she told me flat out that she was in trouble. Her name was Greta (name changed). She was not drunk or stoned but as I said, she was very dirty - her clothes and her skin and her face were so dirty, and she was twitching like crazy. Among other things, she told me that she aligned herself with some guy who abused her - she wanted to go to the police about it but I told her flat out she'd be wasting her time. She was too incoherent in general and wasn't making enough sense for the police. (And keep in mind that this city is loaded with homeless) She was trilingual and plainly well-educated though and she chatted about "philosophy" and "psychology" and remarked quite intelligently on how it feels when the world streams past her without even acknowledging her existence any longer - and she did say one thing which made me laugh out loud: "I think I have finally overdosed on laissez faire" which was making fun of the very thing that brought her (and me) to the south of France in the first place.
As I said, she was twitching and spasming, holding her side and rocking. I kept asking her if she was in pain, the way she held her side, but she responded every time that she wasn't. It looked to me like she was trying to pull herself closer into herself. The alcove where we were was really dirty, super filthy, but she was just sitting in it - her backpack was in it. Right in it. Gross. Sitting next to her, she proceeded to ramble on and on. She talked non-stop. She said more than once that maybe she should go home to Germany and I said every time that it was a *terrific* idea - she was going to get chewed and up and spit out on the streets here. But after a while, I realized that she had absolutely no place to go in this town and very probably no place to go back to in Germany.
I listened to her for as long as I could, for about 45 minutes, but I was hosting people from back home back at my place and they were no doubt wondering where the hell I had disappeared to since I said I'd only be away for a minute. I gave Greta 10€ "just because" and what struck me was that at first she wouldn't take it. I really had to insist - which was another unusual thing about her. She also had perfect teeth - so there were no meth problems or similar with her. It was all very confusing - especially with all the druggie-like twitching. She kept asking me to stay and told me some stuff I didn't want to hear, like guys - lots of guys - before I came along telling her they were on "holiday" and offering her 20€ for a blow job ... so fortunate people like me trying to degrade a young woman in trouble for their own enjoyment ...
I really wanted to get her out of that alcove before I left but I was torn. The one cheap (35€ a night) hotel in town that I could put her in was full (I had just walked by and marveled how that shithole could be "complet" like the sign on the door said) and I sure as hell couldn't bring her back to my place, not just because of my visitors but because that would put me in a very, very dangerous position. I wanted badly to help her out somehow but again I felt (and feel) powerless to do so. Unfortunately, at that moment she herself was the only person who could help her and she wasn't making any move to do so. So in the end as I was leaving, I told her that if she was still there in the morning (I usually walk a couple of kilometers each morning around 7AM) that I'd take her for a croissant and coffee. She asked me for my number. I not only gave it to her, I also then used her phone to call mine to make sure I had done it right. I told her to call me if she needed me. She plainly didn't want me to go (the one guy in town apparently who wasn't trying to fuck her) and she kept dragging me back towards her with more conversation but eventually I got away, feeling terrible. She assured me she wouldn't be there in the morning. I told her to "Be selfish, take care of yourself and bon courage"
When I got back to the apartment, I apologized to my guests and told them the whole story. One of my guests, who is a nurse, said it sounded to her like schizophrenia and that 25-years-old is exactly the age when that starts to appear. Her theory chilled me because it fit so perfectly with what I saw, and Greta will therefore probably not get help from anyone, and by not being able to help herself, she's essentially fucked. What a waste. Parents, siblings...how could they cut this person loose?
There's more to this story that transpired over the next several days; none of it good. The recounting of the above revives how haunted I still am by whole the experience. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but it's getting harder and harder to simply turn away and put things like this out of my mind. At that time, I was living alone in a big apartment. In another world I could have let her stay there with me for literally months, clean, fed, and entertained, but in this world it's just impossible. And so sad.
James Bond in the Real World
Which fictional movie character wouldn’t last a minute in the real world?
M: “Bond…do you know why I’ve called you in here today?”
Bond: “No?”
M: “You keep introducing yourself to the targets as your real name. I’ve taken 5 calls from foreign governments asking about you. You’re supposed to be a bloody spy. What the devil are you thinking?”
Bond: “Terribly sorry.”
M: “You’re fired.”
---
M: “Bond…did you just hit on Moneypenny?”
Bond: “I did.”
M: “Clean out your desk. You’re fired.”
---
Bond: “What are you handing me?”
Lab Tech: “It’s a blood alcohol test, mate. You agreed to random drug screenings when you signed up to work for the government, now let’s get on with it.”
(5 minutes later)
M: “Bond. Get out, you’re fired.”
---
M: “Bond…precisely how many casualties were there?”
Bond: “Um…I’m….”
M: “Fired.”
---
M: “Bond…the most recent car that Q developed was worth 15 million dollars, and contains classified hardware that would be valuable to an enemy not to mention lead them straight back here. Do you know where it is?”
Bond: “It’s….I might have…”
M: “You’re fired, Bond.”
---
Bond: “Who the devil are you? How did you find me?”
Villain: “I talked to that woman you were hanging out with, and she gave me all kinds of information.”
Bond: “Blast it.”
Aimons-nous vivants !
L'humanité ébranlée et la société effondrée par un petit machin.
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Un petit machin microscopique appelé coronavirus bouleverse la planète. Quelque chose d’invisible est venu pour faire sa loi. Il remet tout en question et chamboule l’ordre établi. Tout se remet en place, autrement, différemment.
Ce que les grandes puissances occidentales n’ont pu obtenir en Syrie, en Libye, au Yemen, …ce petit machin l’a obtenu (cessez-le-feu, trêve…).
Ce que l’armée algérienne n’a pu obtenir, ce petit machin l’a obtenu (le Hirak à pris fin).
Ce que les opposants politiques n’ont pu obtenir, ce petit machin l’a obtenu (report des échéances électorales. ..).
Ce que les entreprises n’ont pu obtenir, ce petit machin l’a obtenu (remise d’impôts, exonérations, crédits à taux zéro, fonds d’investissement, baisse des cours des matières premières stratégiques. ..).
Ce que les gilets jaunes et les syndicats n’ont pu obtenir, ce petit machin l’a obtenu ( baisse de prix à la pompe, protection sociale renforcée…).
Soudain, on observe dans le monde occidental le carburant a baissé, la pollution a baissé, les gens ont commencé à avoir du temps, tellement de temps qu’ils ne savent même pas quoi en faire. Les parents apprennent à connaître leurs enfants, les enfants apprennent à rester en famille, le travail n’est plus une priorité, les voyages et les loisirs ne sont plus la norme d’une vie réussie.
Soudain, en silence, nous nous retournons en nous-mêmes et comprenons la valeur des mots solidarité et vulnérabilité.
Soudain, nous réalisons que nous sommes tous embarqués dans le même bateau, riches et pauvres. Nous réalisons que nous avions dévalisé ensemble les étagères des magasins et constatons ensemble que les hôpitaux sont pleins et que l’argent n’a aucune importance. Que nous avons tous la même identité humaine face au coronavirus.
Nous réalisons que dans les garages, les voitures haut de gamme sont arrêtées juste parce que personne ne peut sortir.
Quelques jours seulement ont suffi à l’univers pour établir l’égalité sociale qui était impossible à imaginer.
La peur a envahi tout le monde. Elle a changé de camp. Elle a quitté les pauvres pour aller habiter les riches et les puissants. Elle leur a rappelé leur humanité et leur a révélé leur humanisme.
Puisse cela servir à réaliser la vulnérabilité des êtres humains qui cherchent à aller habiter sur la planète mars et qui se croient forts pour cloner des êtres humains pour espérer vivre éternellement.
Puisse cela servir à réaliser la limite de l’intelligence humaine face à la force du ciel.
Il a suffi de quelques jours pour que la certitude devienne incertitude, que la force devienne faiblesse, que le pouvoir devienne solidarité et concertation.
Il a suffi de quelques jours pour que l’Afrique devienne un continent sûr. Que le songe devienne mensonge.
Il a suffi de quelques jours pour que l’humanité prenne conscience qu’elle n’est que souffle et poussière.
Qui sommes-nous ? Que valons-nous ? Que pouvons-nous face à ce coronavirus ?
Rendons-nous à l’évidence en attendant la providence.
Interrogeons notre « humanité » dans cette « mondialité » à l’épreuve du coronavirus.
Restons chez nous et meditons sur cette pandémie.
Aimons-nous vivants !
par Moustapha Dahleb, écrivain tchadien, le 21 mars 2020
REF: https://www.afrik.com/l-humanite-ebranlee-et-la-societe-effondree-par-un-petit-machin
Pourquoi se compliquer la vie?
et enfin...
Tu ne m'aimes pas .... va te faire foutre :)
Exactly.
(Not the original text. Just better.)
Demerit Points
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I Like Canadians - By A Foreigner
I Like Canadians
By A Foreigner
I like Canadians.
They are so unlike Americans.
They go home at night.
Their cigarets don't smell bad.
Their hats fit.
They really believe that they won the war.
They don't believe in Literature.
They think Art has been exaggerated.
But they are wonderful on ice skates.
A few of them are very rich.
But when they are rich they buy more horses
Than motor cars.
Chicago calls Toronto a puritan town.
But both boxing and horse-racing are illegal
In Chicago. —
Nobody works on Sunday.
Nobody.
That doesn't make me mad.
There is only one Woodbine.
But were you ever at Blue Bonnets?
If you kill somebody with a motor car in Ontario
You are liable to go to jail.
So it isn't done.
There have been over 500 people killed by motor cars
In Chicago
So far this year.
It is hard to get rich in Canada.
But it is easy to make money.
There are too many tea rooms.
But, then, there are no cabarets.
If you tip a waiter a quarter
He says "Thank you."
Instead of calling the bouncer.
They let women stand up in the street cars.
Even if they are good-looking.
They are all in a hurry to get home to supper
And their radio sets.
They are a fine people.
I like them.
(Toronto Star Weekly, 1923)
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What is something unrealistic that you often see in movies that annoys the hell out of you?
It's killing me to admit this but I did not write what follows. It was written for Quora by this cool young dude from Capetown named Zipho Tefu who is obviously a better writer than me, slightly better looking, and who has a much, much cooler name than me. Damn you Zipho.
1. The geeky girls in high school movies who are supposed to be ugly are still extremely damn good-looking
2. When the real ugly person gets a 15 minute makeover and becomes the sexiest guy in the country wtf.
If it's a girl all they have to do is take of their glasses and let down their hair and suddenly they're America's next Top Model.
3. Drivers taking their eyes off the road for almost a minute to have a conversation with passenger
Yet somehow they miraculously keep the car straight and NEVER crash into anything. But if I look away for 6 seconds I've killed 4 people.
4. Bad guys missing EVERY SINGLE SHOT fired at the hero.
Henchmen with machine guns firing at the protagonist down a straight indoor hallway and missing every single one of the 50 shots fired. I'm pretty sure if you blindfolded a dude and told him to fire in the general direction of the protagonist at least a few bullets would hit.
6. Jumping out a glass window and coming out the otherside unscathed
I'm not even gonna mention how easily glass breaks in movies. But people will dive through a glass window head first and land on surface full of broken shards of glass and come out unscathed
7. High school students portrayed by someone clearly in their 30’s
Every Highschool senior looks like they've been a senior for 10 years
8. Superman holding a building up
I like when a building is practically falling over and Superman holds it up by something like the windows. The real superhero is the manufacturer of that window because it just supported an entire damn building.
9. Female protagonists in dystopian movies looking like Miss Universe
We're in a post apocalyptic world, and we've got badass female fighters, covered in blood and dirt because life is fucking tough, and she's tough. But you better believe her eye-liner game is on point. Because she's a warrior, not a goddamn savage.
10. The same badass female with perfectly waxed leg and armpit hair.
Because it's a tough world out there and surviving without silky smooth legs is not an option.
11. Cellphones never work in an emergency (See Home Alone)
Somehow they are lost, dead, out of coverage area, stolen, etc. It's cheap story telling. I am always amused at how creative movie makers become in order to destroy the cell phone plot-hole.
12. Sparing the villains life for a few minutes of monologue
I've watched countless movies that could've ended a lot sooner had the hero just not given a damn about the villains evil plan and dramatic backstory.
13. Letting off a damn .45 pistol indoors multiple times with no ear protection and carrying on normally like they're not temporarily deafened for the next 30 seconds.
Anybody who has actually shot a round of that will know how unrealistic that is.
14. Also racking back the slide on a handgun to do the "ch ch" thing that sounds cool before they shoot someone.
Unless you've literally just put the magazine in, all that will do is eject a perfectly good unused round out the side
15. Whenever there is a bird of prey, no matter what it is, they always use a red-tailed hawk call.
Because all birds of prey sound the same.
16. Computers that beep on every keystroke.
If that were real, nobody would last more than ten minutes before heaving the damn thing out of the nearest window.
17. Any device can be hacked no matter where or how far away it is.
Doesn't matter if the device is in another solar system. It can be hacked.
18. Hacking only takes a few seconds
I don't know who came up with the notion that anything from my grandma's toaster to the NSA’s satellite database can be hacked in 5 - 6 taps of a keyboard, but I'd like to have a word with them.
19. Everyone's house is so clean
No stray Cheetos, random toys or grubby counters? Not even a hair out of place.
20. Calling “HELLO?” when you think there's a serial killer in your home
Oh yeah because a serial killer would totally just respond like “Oh hey Brenda, I'm in the kitchen would you like a sandwich?”
21. Small misunderstandings leading to emotional breakups
Movie: Girl sees new boyfriend having lunch with another girl. Immediately freaks out and runs off. Guy yells, "Wait I can explain!"
Reality: Girl sees new boyfriend with another girl. She's concerned but walks up and says hi. He introduces other girl as his sister. Sister says she's heard so much about the girl. All is well.
22. Waking up with your hair perfect and not a drop of drool on your pillow
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only ugly sleeper in the world.
23. When aliens say “EARTH” they really just mean the USA
The only place aliens ever seem to land on.
24. Aliens can speak perfect English
Especially in Marvel. How tf does Thanos speak English? Star Wars was slightly better.
25. Children taking two bites of toast and a sip of orange juice before rushing out the house to go to school.
It is ALWAYS 2 BITES. Nevermind the fact that the mother woke up early a prepared a full 3 course breakfast.
26. After sex they just roll over like there's nothing to clean.
Never have to deal with wet sheets or bodies. (SH: Wet bodies? I think Zipho's still a virgin. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
27. Explosions that don't impair hearing
You'll see someone narrowly dive away from an explosion and walk away fine, because the only things that can harm you are the flames apparently.
28. You can knock anybody out with blunt force trauma without causing any serious injury or permanent damage.
They wake up with no headache or permanent brain damage.
29. Supervillians only operate in the same city as superheroes
Why can't the Joker just move to another city?
30. Bombs will always have a clearly visible timer
From the villains point of view its just good manners.
31. It is perfectly simple to resuscitate somebody with a few half hearted pushes as long as you say you love them
It usually goes something like this: “You can't leave me…please! Live Kyle! Live damn it! I love you!!! ”
Kyle: *coughs*
32. People never say goodbye when they hang up the phone
What is up with this? They just end call and walk away wtf?
33. High school party stereotypes
There will always be 500 people at the popular guy/girl's house playing beer pong and getting drunk with super loud music blasting through the streets. And at some point the cops show up to stop the party. This happens everytime without fail.
34. NOBODY POOPS
Pulp Fiction is an exception to this.
35. If the hero has to fight a group of bad guys, they'll sportingly attack him one at a time
I mean come on. It's just good manners.
36. People in grocery stores always have a baguette in their bag
Whenever someone in a movie goes grocery shopping, you can tell because they have a perfect French baguette and celery leaves poking out of the top of their brown paper bag. (SH: Actually, that's true here.)
37. Nobody sneezes
Never. Not once.
38. The news is always turned on at the perfect time
When someone gets a call and the other person says “Turn on the TV!” It's always turned on to the correct channel just as the news headline is at the perfect point for them to see.
39. It takes 12 seconds to strangle someone to death.
Yeah maybe I'm a super human, but I can hold my breath for over 2 minutes so that's not working on me.
40. If there's an ASIAN character in the movie, he will know martial arts
Because all 1.5 billion people in China are martial art Masters.
41. People running away from moving vehicles
I don't care how fast you are, unless you're the flash, you can not outrun a car from this century. (unless it's a toy car - then I back you)
42. Coughing generally equates to a terminal illness.
I've never seen a cough not mean anything in any movie in my life.
43. Subtitles.
This one takes the cake. I have spoken to many foreigners in real life and never seen any subtitles that translate what they're saying to English. Not true. Completely fake.
Crazy language.
From the website of: La Cathédrale de Maguelone:
L’association les Compagnons de Maguelone est une association laïque régie par la loi de 1901. Elle a été créée le 06 mai 1969. Son siège social est basé au Domaine de Maguelone, 34250 Palavas les Flots.
At the time I visited and read this, I thought "créée" was a typo, however I was gently told that it's not!
Further investigation reveals that it's the complement object direct (COD) of the participe passé of the verb: creer. Stated in English: "The past participle agrees in gender and in number with a preceding direct object. In other words, if the direct object pronoun is feminine, add an e to the end of the past participle"
Crazy language.