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Des Informations, des Idées, et des Opinions Suspectes - rarement mises à jour et de qualité douteuse.


Mar 10

Here is the latest update. On Thursday, my appointment for the urologist in Toronto finally arrived. I went to the appointment together with Norm; we figured that more ears is better. He might remember something afterwards that I didn't. The urologist was very pregnant; in fact she told me it was her last day today and that her colleague would be taking care of me from now on instead. The first of several not-so-good signs.

She brought up the CT scan on her monitor and for the first time I was able to see a clear picture of what is going on inside of me. I have a softball-sized hemmorhagic cyst on my right-kidney and there is also a large solid mass as well. The mass is concerning and has to go. The doctor said that the entire kidney will have to be removed. I blubbered, "Can't you take just half the kidney?" She answered that unfortunately because of the cyst's location along the top, saving the kidney would not be possible. Apparently, those other lucky devils with half-kidneys had their cyst hanging off the bottoms of their kidney like a big softball-sized grape on the vine. And like every other doctor I've ever visited, after this news, since she saw a large man on the verge of losing his mind, she said, "But let me run this past my colleague, he might have another idea". She left the room and returned a few minutes later and indicated that her imaginary colleague thought it might be somehow possible to just take the cyst and the mass and spare the kidney. Norm and I exchanged a look when she said that because both of us could see that she was lying. A very bad liar. A lying female urologist on International Women's Day no less. The entire gender should feel ashamed.

I then asked about the mass on the left kidney. Again like every other doctor I've seen so far, she was so preoccupied with the larger problem on the right kidney that she completely missed the issue on the left. She looked at the CT scan again and said that depending on the results of the upcoming MRI, it would be excised as well.

She then answered my questions and gave the information I've been waiting for. Information about what my future is going to be. First, I'll need to wait one to three weeks for an MRI appointment. She asked me if I was claustrophobic because I will have to spend up to 45 minutes in this narrow tube. Norm and I both laughed at the absurdity of her question. OF COURSE, I'm claustrophobic! I'm everything! To deal with this, she prescribed me Ativan to calm me during the procedure. Norm and I leaned forward expectantly as she wrote the prescription ... for just a single lonely pill. Bitch. So much for our Ativan and Beer mixing experiment. After the MRI, there will be roughly a one-week wait, then an appointment with a urologist to schedule surgery.

Surgery will be laproscopic to begin with, but they will widen the incision to 4cm depending on the gravity of what they find. Assuming I wake up from the general anaesthetic, I will remain in hospital for 2-3 days if laproscopic, 5-7 days if vivisected. Afterwards, recovery will be 4 weeks if laproscopic, and 6-8 weeks if I'm split open like a bent-over fat man's pants.

I'm also pursuing a specialist in parallel in Ottawa. (Always get a second opinion) However, I have yet to get an Ottawa urologist appointment. I'll follow up with their office on Monday.

Because it's going to be renal surgery, that means they will be ... installing ... a (my first ever) urinary catheter. For this reason, I am carefully weighing the pros and cons of going forward with surgery vs. doing nothing and dying while snorting an obscene amount of cocaine off a prostitute's breasts. So far the latter seems more appealing to me.

So ... it looks like I may be able to come home mid-June.


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Maybe read No Big Deal, a story I consider to be the very best thing I ever wrote.